I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
