My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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