You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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