:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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