I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I want her autograph on my taint
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
