Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
