i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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