a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I woke up under a house in Key West
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
