I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
