I haven't been this sober since birth.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
