My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
