i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
