You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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