Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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