you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
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Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
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turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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