I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Vodka?
Forever.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
