My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
