My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom