I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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