xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
