if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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