I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The struggles of a small town man whore
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
