Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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