I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
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And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
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