I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
