The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
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