Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
