My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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