Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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