I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
