Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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