peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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