May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
