Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
