Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
