Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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