hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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