I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
