i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
