I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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