from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
