Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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