1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I met the friendliest cop last night
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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