I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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