The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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