some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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