Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
