I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
