you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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