i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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