Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
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I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
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I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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