You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
