Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
