first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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