Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
