I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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