Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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