oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
