Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
