i was born a porn star she said
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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