I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
