So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
only you would photoshop your dick
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
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I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
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Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Sex in the backyard? Check.
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