The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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