i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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