A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
